Monday, February 2, 2009

Random Facts About Me

Well, this is kind of like my third date with everyone, so I think now is a fantastic time to get to know each other even better & be more revealing. I hope anyone out there reading this, including you Skye, will step right up & make a comment including some random tidbits about themselves as well. Here is a small collection of ridiculous & random stuff about me:

  1. Even though I was only actually in one play in high school, I seriously & foolishly contemplated majoring in theatre in college.

  2. Being a painfully shy child I forced my parents to order my food at restaurants until I was about 14 years old.

  3. In one of my more neurotic modes, in my 20's, I somehow convinced myself I was allergic to all chocolate & didn't eat it in any form for an entire year.

  4. Every time I watch one of those sappy, heart wrenching Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials I cry.

  5. I can knot a cherry stem in my mouth without using my hands. Very classy trick to show off at the local bar.

  6. When I was a little wee one & my friends & I played "The Muppets" we used to viciously argue over who would be Kermit & sadly I was always stuck being Fozzie Bear.

  7. There are 341 DVD's on my Netflix queue...Much to Skye's dismay. The majority of them being bizarre or foreign or just ridiculous films he has never heard of before & has no desire to watch.

  8. I am insanely envious of the independently wealthy. I want them to die. My gambling issues are all their fault.

  9. Being a professional artist who can actually make a decent living or starring in a successful television drama series are my dream careers. Or even a comedy series like Absolutely Fabulous, something truly impressive.

  10. Ever since I was a child I have been able to remember my dreams & I have always made it a point to selfishly torment anyone who would listen with all the minute & excruciating details.

  11. I can fold my tongue in half & make it do the wave. More class act talent.

  12. Strangely enough, I still don't have any tattoos. Recently Skye & I attempted to get me one & the "artist" I will use that term loosely, couldn't come up with a design for the letter "S" I was hoping to get. The place was empty & he was still only able to come up with one shitty example, which was nothing like I explained that I wanted...but I digress....Its not like I was asking him to redesign the freakin Sistine Chapel or anything!

  13. Part of me wishes I was a sophisticated French woman or a cool Russian chick or a sexy/adorable Japanese girl. Someone with a fascinating accent, someone unique & exotic. Occasionally Skye & I will walk around a store speaking in a Russian accent, just to satisfy this need for extra coolness.
Thirteen is my favorite number, so that seems like enough for now...

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Most Birds Are Inheritantly Evil

I am not talking about adorable chickadees or happy little bluebirds or those annoying scavenger type rats with wings, pigeons & seagulls...Even though once a very ballsy seagull once swooped down at my mom & attacked the pie she was carrying. What I am thinking of is more like a hawk or a parrot or my main phobia at this time, owls.
One of my in-laws owns a gorgeous parrot, Tiki. Tiki has the mind of a 3 year old child, and beautiful vibrant feathers, but the murderess instincts of a serial killer. Unless you are the caretaker & even she isn't completely safe, you put your limbs at risk being in the same room with the bird when its free to roam. During one visit Tiki's owner was confident my husband could hold the bird on his arm, no such luck, he left with a 5 inch bloody scratch from a claw & a bruised pinch from a vengeful beak. Once after a delightful dinner Tiki was allowed to explore. My main mistake that night was that I foolishly wore sandals, my tender foot didn't stand a chance to that beak he apparently spent all day sharpening on his innocent looking toys. Skye & I joke that the USA may not even need all the military, we just need numerous companies of parrots set loose on the enemy to destroy.
Enough about parrots, lets move onto my nemesis, the owl. This fear started quite recently & I have no idea why it emerged. I know they are nocturnal & they hunt sweet innocent mice, but that's not why. At the beginning of autumn Skye & I went to a fair & they of course had the birds of prey on display. The hawks I could handle, then up ahead were the owls. Must turn back now! One look at those enormous blood thirsty eyes (wise eyes, my ass), swiveling neck & razor sharp beak had me tearing up & begging him to let me get out of there. On the snow owls you could only see those insanely creepy eyes, the rest of their face veiled in mysterious white feathers. What a pussy!! It was so embarrassing for me & he laughed a lot. A grown woman afraid of owls? If I wasn't so terrified I would have laughed too. Of course it wasn't nearly as bad as those crazed women on Maury Povich paralyzed with fear from cotton balls & pickles, but still humiliating.
A few of years ago I had the same reaction to spiders. I wouldn't scream or anything ridiculously over the top like that, but I would get teary & wince & hide. Then one day at work I saw a spider so gigantic I didn't believe it was real . Thankfully, I had my camera & through the tears of genuine fear I was able to get some decent shots of it. It was my mission at that point to photograph a spider every time I saw one & get over my fear. It mostly worked, I am still terrified of spiders & I would never volunteer to hold one, but they don't make me cry anymore & not crying is a good thing.